Noticing the Difference Between Softness and Hardness (with audio)
Noticing the Difference Between Softness and Hardness (with audio)
Plus, the sixth pillar of soul work, new live events, and all the food
Due to a rough week with a cold, this Substack (and the podcast episode) took a little longer to pull together. I really wanted to do it justice since it’s subtle and soft but also super resonant for me right now, which sometimes means it’s also super resonate or alive for the people around me, like you perhaps, too. Thank you for your patience.
Over the last few days, since returning from a family funeral, I’ve been thinking about how I may continue to soften in times where I have previously hardened.
When going through poignant or bittersweet or heartbreaking times, I think it is a natural instinct to find ways to shield a tender heart, to hide weary tears, to pad the energetic body with a kind of thick space, to create distance from that which presents discomfort or that which we do not have the capacity to feel.
In the past, it has certainly been my natural instinct to harden myself in vulnerable times, in order to withstand the barbs from moments that or mortals who may cut just a bit too deep.
But I instinctually choose differently now. And since I was able to witness how it feels to choose softness in real time, I hear a call from the soul to share it with you. I share it as text and in audio format, should you like to hear my voice.
In addition to sharing this, I will share some upcoming events, what I’m eating through a bad cold, and a little bit on the sixth pillar of soul work: Be Wild, Stay Soft.
The Sixth Pillar of Soul Work: Be Wild, Stay Soft
View videos on the first five pillars of Soul Work here.
For multiple decades, I believed that hardness was the solution to everything.
In fact, I believed that a tender moment could only be healed by some combination of concealing emotions, resisting rest, working harder, devising a solution, or even shaming myself.
Given the omnipresence of society’s harsh systems, I know we’re all naturally bent toward hardness. But as I align deeper to soul, I notice that I instinctively act differently now.
Recently, I moved through a stretch of tightness. I felt discomfort around topics like money, body, family, and a romantic relationship.
Five years ago, I might have contrived a remedy through some of the activities previously mentioned.
But this time, I intuitively, naturally, reacted with softness.
I sequestered the mind to the passenger seat and, when it felt ready, I invited the soul to guide my next steps.
Instead of trying to solve something, I felt encouraged to welcome curiosity, compassion, self-forgiveness, and self-love.
I asked myself, “What may I do, sweet soul, to ease this tenderness?”
And, the soul said…
“Stop working out so hard. Just dance and stretch on a mat.”
“Stop going to the gym altogether. Just be wild in nature.”
“Stop eating solely for fuel. Just eat for pure pleasure.”
“Stop consuming media. Just look at art or read poetry.”
“Stop living for the future. Just live moment by moment.”
“Stop thinking you’re wrong. Just remember you’re right on time.”
In six weeks, the pain and discomfort in my body decreased and my next best steps surfaced. It felt like my sweet soul aligned all the parts of me and intuitively guided me forward.
This time of gentleness offered me a deep remembering. Softness is quite often the best remedy. It’s the natural path to surface your next best steps.
In my Soul Mentorship Program, we follow your soul’s guidance to embody your wildest dreams. Feel free to book a free call to discuss securing a spot in 2023.
Noticing the Difference Between Softness and Hardness
If you prefer, you may listen to me read this short story.
This was my first funeral since challenging all I have known to connect with and remain connected to my divine essence, to my soul. This was my first actual death, not the ego kind, since awakening to soul.
And I noticed, quite distinctly, the many moments when I allowed the natural instinct to harden to fall away, when I not only leaned into bids for connection and their corresponding softness but when I even initiated them.
And I noticed, quite regrettably, the handful of moments when my protective outer shell just couldn’t disintegrate in time to meet a bid for connection.
I forgive myself, of course, and that is more than enough. Remember, to forgive yourself is the real work. It is the key to Live from Love and it’s also a foundational element of soul work in general.
But I am in a place where I wish to take it a step further, to connect deeper to soul, to all souls, to all that is.
As such, I feel the need to point out what all my soft reactions and hard reactions feel like to me, in the off chance that you may gather up and receive any bids for connection from others—like hungry baby birds seeking solace—before allowing any resistance to rise and harden your own outer shell.
In the moments when I received or initiated a bid for connection, and felt myself react with or surface softness—
I felt warm within, especially when hearing requests to gather more frequently.
I felt kinship through all the shared tears, even the ones we squeezed away as quickly as possible.
I felt like I melted into hugs because I wanted to feel the depth of love. Just like the rest of humanity in all the moments of life, I wanted to feel like I belong to you and you belong to me.
I felt guided when I asked tender questions, surfacing my curiosity in order for another to share or release a vulnerability.
I felt gentle when one sweet soul even began speaking about soul, careful to let them feel fully expressed, to not allow my enthusiasm to censor their burgeoning connection with their own soul.
In those moments when I received a bid for connection and felt resistance or even tinges of hardness (because I am a human who is still learning)—
I felt my body tighten or shift away rather than toward.
I felt my lips purse tightly to withhold a judgment or my truth. Sometimes, it’s easier to not Tell the Whole Truth (a pillar of soul work that I will share soon), especially if the whole truth may hinder a connection that you are carefully reestablishing.
I heard my mind search for a whisper of curiosity to bring to all the moments, often succeeding, sometimes not.
I heard my soul try to surface the courage to go deeper but, in a couple moments, the body felt tight and unsafe to reveal too much.
Now there are a myriad of reasons why I couldn’t meet every single bid for connection with softness.
First, there’s the being a human thing, a human who is still learning.
Second, it could be that due to exhaustion or experiencing my own emotions, I simply didn’t have the capacity to surface softness persistently.
Third, it could be that I didn’t wish to let another down with an unexpected response.
Fourth, it could be that I was aiming to remember my independence, perhaps so I didn’t feel an old trauma response around responsibility for others.
Fifth, it could be that I was just too under nourished to feel the magnitude of each moment.
None of this is right or wrong. I accept it all as poignantly possible.
But in the bids I could meet and in the bids I could not meet and especially in all the bids I initiated myself, I remembered that we’re all doing the very best with what we know and feel in each moment.
In fact, if you haven’t heard it yet today, you are doing your very best with all you know and feel right now.
And also, I could clearly witness the desire from all to belong, to remember that we belong, not just to each other but to a collection of memories that transcend space and time, that make us even more human, that pave the path of our shared stories, in this lifetime and perhaps in others, the stories that make us a part of something far bigger than us. You know, with that something that is far bigger than us being “all that is.”
Now, the undercurrent of all these bids for belonging was, of course, shared grief but, also, shared hunger and the need to meet it with belonging and also delicious food.
I didn’t really eat much on my travels to the gathering, forgetting to pack enough to fortify myself (big mistake), and then feeling like it was cozier to stay in my stark hotel room with a bag of chips rather than brave the rain for anything more substantial (even bigger mistake).
In fact, my unplanned fast was only met through an unplanned connection with another also attending the funeral. We ate a lame hotel breakfast of over-easy eggs and toast across a sticky table, wondering how the day would unfold.
But after the funeral, there was a big bounty of Italian food waiting for us and that was met with a ton of gratitude.
Between the antipasti spread, filled with restaurant-made mozzarella cheese that took up entire plates, and multiple wooden boards delicately topped with cured meats and sliced apples, I felt fortified enough to remember that Softness is always the Remedy.
And then there were platters of shredded romaine leaves topped with Caesar dressing and many soup-size bowls overflowing with meatballs in red sauce, dusted with parmesan cheese.
And then there were rows and rows of pasta bowls filled with the simplest spaghetti in tomato sauce, from which I twirled up spoonfuls onto my own plate.
And then there were trays of pizza, including an original tomato pie, absent of any kind of cheese, that appeared to be waiting there, just for me, practically saying, “It’s time to refill your cup, sweet soul, and also your capacity for softness.”
We ate and drank and reminisced, not just about the dearly departed, but also about all the moments that made us, that made us one big complex family.
And the more we ate and drank and reminisced, the more a general energy of softness filled all the spaces between us.
I tell you all this because I think the invitation to me and to you is, just like one would wish to never miss a meal, it would also be great to never miss a bid for connection, like never, to find a way to meet it with softness even in the smallest way possible.
That is the lesson I am taking with me into all my future moments, moments that will again surface the question: “Will I lean into softness and connection, or will I lean into hardness and resist connection?”
Because I think when we’re talking about softness and hardness, the question really is that simple.
The answer for me is to never miss a bid for connection, which means, I will always try to welcome softness, which also means, I will always try to fill my cup before an emotional gathering.
And when it comes to softness, maybe it means that you can’t offer words but you can offer a tissue. Maybe you can’t offer more of yourself but you can offer a smile.
Maybe you can’t meet a bid for connection with much more than a nod, but you can make that nod super intentional. Fill that nod with as much love and compassion as you can muster because the nod may loosen your shoulders and unclench your jaw and surface a half-smile and perhaps make it possible for you to offer a little bit more softness next time and next time and next time.
And that’s all we can do. We can do a little bit better next time, allow a little more softness, when another wishes to connect with you and your sweet soul.
And while I know it’s not just about a lack of food leading up to the emotional gathering, I damn sure will make sure I eat well beforehand next time, to ensure my energetic cup is as full as possible and ready to pour out all the softness in abundance.
Live Events
BOOK ONE OF THE REMAINING SPOTS: On Sunday, November 12, I will host a two-hour Sacred Cacao Ceremony during which I will guide you through an experience of softness, connection, and remembrance in order to hear vital messages from your soul and allow your next best steps to surface. This will be my only in-person Cacao Ceremony in 2023. There are still some spots available. If you hear a call, I invite you to book before it’s filled. The sessions begins at 10:00am ET when you are most receptive to your soul’s guidance. Reserve here.
MARK YOUR CALENDARS: On Sunday, November 19, I will be in conversation with artist and transformation guide Paola Ucelo. We will dialogue and share a transmission on how each of us, as guardians of the altar, choose “Leading with Love.” Together, we will share a transmission on rooting into love in order to support your sweet soul and also help you support others during a time of so much grief and devastation. Love is being chosen now more than ever before and this gathering is designed for all those who feel called to find community and coherence in leading with love in all areas of their life. This gathering will be held on Zoom at 5:00pm ET/12:00 pm HST. A link to reserve your spot will be released shortly.
JOIN US LIVE: On Thursday, November 9, Paola and I will preview our November 19 gathering via an IG Live. Please follow both of us on Instagram to be alerted of the IG Live. You may follow us at:
Chicken Soup for the Soul
I returned from my travels with a very bad cold. So in lieu of refilling my fridge at the local grocer or roasting a fresh chicken for the week’s meals, I simply grabbed a rotisserie bird and leaned on my pantry of chicken stock, canned chickpeas, leftover white rice, garlic, ginger, parsley, and spinach.
While swiping on TikTok (again, I’m human!), I came across Meredith’s recipe for Green Garlic and Ginger Chicken and Rice Soup. Yes, it’s a mouthful, in every possible way.
I absolutely did not follow the recipe. I didn’t even see the recipe prior to cooking. I made something far simpler and instinctual but, by all means, give her gorgeous recipe a go!
I simply warmed up a couple tubs of chicken stock from the freezer with leftover white rice and a can of drained chickpeas to make a quick chicken soup. While that heated, I blended the following in my blender: 2 handfuls of spinach, 1 big bunch of parsley, a spoonful of Garlic Confit, a peeled 1-inch knob of ginger, lemon juice from half a lemon, a couple teaspoons of sea salt, and plenty of extra virgin olive oil (probably close to a cup). When it was pleasantly thick and bright green and tasted good to me, I added several tablespoons and a handful of shredded chicken from a rotisserie bird to a bowl of warmed up chicken soup. I also added in some chopped, steamed broccoli rabe (Vitamin C!) and a tablespoon of salted butter. I have been slurping it into my mouth daily, with extra green sauce, fresh parsley (again, Vitamin C!), and toasted sourdough.
To help my cold along, to help it break apart and soften, I’ve also had daily cups of Ceremonial Cacao (because it’s medicine from the heart of the earth, people) and twice daily pots of chamomile tea. Sometimes I steep ginger, lemon, garlic, and honey in the pot of chamomile tea. Sometimes I drink it just as it is, with or without a drizzle of honey. I’m actually writing this mid my first pot today.
For the precious (and lucky!) few of you who read all the way to the end, I’m planning a special daily Ceremonial Cacao series (a practice really) for December. I’ll announce it soon but the sweet souls who are still reading can preview it here (shh!). If you hear a call from within to join, feel free to secure your spot now as I will limit the size of this group as soon as I hear the perfect group size from within my soul or from deep within my dreams.